Adventurethon 2013

Somehow, friends, I did it. 13km of open sea kayaking, 22km of mountain biking and 12km of trail running in the midday Australian summer heat.

It was horrendously hard…but not for the reasons I expected.

I expected the kayaking to be the killer. I’d never tried it before and I was certain I’d just capsize and never get back in. However, although I capsized the very moment the race started, I managed to get back in and – somehow – stay afloat.

In the end, the kayaking leg only took me an hour and a half, which was actually a little faster than quite a few of the other competitors.

That’s not to say it was easy; it ripped my hands to shreds and obliterated every muscle in my body, but I was fresh and far too concerned with falling into the sea to worry about the exhaustion.

However.

The real killer of the course was the mountain bike element. Basically, I can’t mountain bike. I could cycle on the road but, as soon as I hit the mountainous parts of the course, I’d simply hit a rock and fall off the bike. In the end, I had no other option (for the sake of my bones) than to carry the bike for the best part of 22km, which took me 2 hours and 41 minutes.

Then it was time for the run and, by that point, I was cooked. The sun had baked me in my long sleeved black running shirt (what was I thinking?!) and, before I’d covered 1/4 of the distance, I collapsed into the mud and could not get back on my feet…

Eventually, I stripped off, cooled down and managed to get moving again. By the time I crossed the finish line, however, it had taken me 3 hours to run 12km, which is a new low – even when you consider I got lost in the bush for the best part of an hour.

Here, for your amusement, is a local news video of my performance…in all its comedy glory.

Adventurethon…

According to the Native American calendar, the 22nd of March will see the end of the Wolf Month and the start of the Month of the Falcon. Oh, it will also be two year to the day since I started this blog…

In honour of this tradition of naming months after kickass animals (as well as some disappointing animals like goose, beaver and salmon), I will have flown 10,000 miles to Townsville, Australia. There, I will be preparing to take part in the festival of awesomeness and multi-sport extravaganza known…as Adventurethon!

Held in what looks like paradise, Adventurethon is essentially an off-road, more badass version of a triathlon. It’s like a triathlon that can wear a bandanna without looking ridiculous and rides stunt motorcycles in its spare time, but doesn’t even bring that up in conversation.

I’m not saying Adventurethon can necessarily outfight a bear, simply by fixing it with a thousand-yard stare…but it has a better chance at that than a normal triathlon does. (The Month of the Bear is August 22 – September 21, by the way).

Instead of starting with a predictable old swim, for example, you kayak; 13km out into Horseshoe bay, where you complete a 4.2km circuit before racing 13km back again! When you’ve fallen out of your kayak and appealed to the Gods for strength, you then jump onto a bike…

Yet this isn’t a case of racing thin-tired road bikes along smooth tarmac roads; this is powering mountain bikes around Magnetic Island, along 29km of wetlands, dirt paths and mountain tracks – the Australian sun baking your helmeted head like an oversized, hairy egg!

Given the location, you could be forgiven for taking the strain off at this point and having a rest – perhaps even settling down for a picnic, or building a wooden hut so you never, ever have to leave…

BUT YOU WILL NOT, BECAUSE YOU ARE AN ADVENTURER!!

Instead, you complete the agonising cycle and, dropping your bike like the smouldering remains of your nemesis’ prized collection of tubular bells, you flee back into the island. This time a mere 16km through bitumen, sand and more rocky mountain trails, stands in your way…followed by another 2.4km of stumbling your way to Hawkings point lookout…where you pass out, knowing that you’ve done your duty as an Adventurer.

Of course, not everybody is capable of completing an event such of this magnitude and – luckily – they don’t have to! In the name of adventure, joy and inclusiveness (if that is a word), there are many versions of the event; from the full ULTRA-AVENTURETHON to the Dirty Duothon (no kayak) and the Taste of Adventurethon, and even a separate event just for those between the ages of 8 and 17! What’s more, each of the events can be undertaken alone, in a team or pretty much however you fancy!

I cannot think of a better ending point for Ed vs. Sport or a better starting point for the Chronicles of Adventure than this, most brilliant of triathlons. Exactly which event I will take part in…I’m not sure.

I’m not a good runner, have mountain biked exactly zero times in my life (I can ride a bike…so I assume I can ride a bike on a mountain) and my chances of learning to kayak on the Thames in Winter are slim to lethal.

Even so, I shall take part – FOR THE GUILD! (The Guild of Adventurers).

Tough Guy 2012: Year of the Lion Heart

I did it. I am now, officially, a Tough Guy.

This year was the Year of the Lion Heart…which is just about the only thing that got me to the end. It wasn’t fitness and it certainly wasn’t preparation – it was nothing but grim, visceral determination and a lifetime’s worth of being-an-idiot rolled into one.

You see, although there were a variety of weird and wonderful costumes through the event, the vast majority of people were clad in very sensible clothing, warm, water-resistant and lightweight. I, by contrast, had thermal underwear…beneath a t-shirt and a pair of swimming shorts.

Sounds funny, right? It wasn’t. Or rather, it was a little funny for the first hour or so. After that, it became…well…just look at the pictures.