Make Your Own Murorga

For the last seven weeks, I have been suffering with somethingorotheritis. I picked it up in Cambodia, threw up multiple times every day for a month and have since been incapable of eating anything much without suffering with cramps, sweats and blurred vision beyond about four feet.

This ailment has also stripped me of around half a stone of good weight, given me a chunk of bad weight in exchange and pretty much sapped any strength I once had. I feel like a pudding on legs – and not a strong pudding either.

Today, the doctor told me “I don’t know what is wrong with you”. That didn’t help. Luckily, he also took some of my blood, so the local labs have a chance of figuring it out.

In the meantime, to cheer myself up about feeling pathetic and weak, I made a quick video about a time when I wasn’t. Hopefully if I watch it on repeat, it will remind me that I might one day be fit and healthy again.

Or I might die, who knows.

Secret Caves and Ullswater

This week, the Guild struck out for the Lake District in search of a secret cave somewhere in the Langstrath Valley.

Simon set out on Tuesday afternoon and picked me up in Sheffield. Even if we couldn’t find the cave that day, we were hoping for a sneak peak into the valley when we arrived. Alas, by the time we had navigated the tiny winding roads of the District, it was dark upon our arrival in Stonethwaite campsite.

Never quick to be disheartened, we erected our tents and broke out the BBQ for a feast by the light of the moon. Fish and sausages made up the food, whilst drink came in the form of Kraken rum, the only real fuel an adventurer needs.

Want to Lose Weight? Trying Eating Dust.

I need to get fit. Much as I have loved the last 5 months of adventuring, it has not been good for my health.

Too much beer, too many cakes and too long sitting on long-haul transportation has done terrible things to my body. I am fatter than ever before, my muscle has shriveled to the point of uselessness and my cardiovascular system probably resembles a set of bellows.

NEVERTHELESS, this seems like the perfect motivation to improve and become MORE POWERFUL THAN EVER BEFORE! Before I left in March, my training had reached a state of maintenance – I wasn’t really improving at anything, simply staying at the same level of fitness.  

Bored: A Crossing

Seriously, fuck travelling by bus in Laos.

It is 600km from Luang Prabang to Chiang Rai…and it has taken us 40 hours. FORTY HOURS!! That’s long enough to build my own bus, find and extract my own oil for petrol AND drive to bloody Thailand!

40 hours. 24 of which were spent thus:

And 6 of which were spent thus…

A Cave Too Far: Stopping for Cakes in Luang Prabang

After some much-needed recovery time in Vang Vieng, we catch a morning minibus to Luang Prabang.

Although it isn’t a very long bus by our standards, it is probably one of the worst; the road to Luang Prabang is slow and winding to a nauseating extent. It is a mere 185km, but it takes us all day aboard the most uncomfortable bus I have ever had the displeasure of placing my ass.

Still, when we arrive we stroll through the night market and check into a lovely little guest house by the river. The next day, we break our fast at a wonderful little bakery and spend the day taking in the many sights of the city, starting with Mount Phousi, a hill in the middle of the town with some very nice views.

Based on my small amount of research, the accepted way to review Mount Phousi is as follows;

“It takes some time to get to the top, but keep on going because the views are worth it.”

It’s 339 steps. Unless you are 85 years old, physically disabled or entirely pathetic it is no harder than using the London Underground. Yet the views are definitely worth it:

We decided it was too hot to wander around the museum, so we headed to the other side of the town to take in the spectacular Wat Xieng Thong (Golden City Temple).

Unhappy Pizza

24 hours after eating our Happy Pizzas, we are still pretty stoned. 48 hours later, we still feel rather strange. The last 2 days have been hell. Who mixes weed and mushrooms?! As if thinking something is trying to kill you isn’t bad enough, now you can see it too!

To be fair, it probably doesn’t help that these were sharing pizzas and we ate a whole one. Each. Still, when in Rome! Or…when in 4000 Islands…

In any case, we’ve made it to Vang Vieng, the Gods only know how.

The journey hasn’t been easy…

Been There, Don Det: 4000 Islands

After an enjoyable but harrowing few days in Cambodia, the time came for us to move on.

To help us get over the sights of the Killing Fields, we went out for a drink. Being us, this quickly turned into 15 drinks as we steadily worked our way through the entire cocktail menu. By the end of the night, we were given what we can only assume were Loyalty Shots:

Luckily, we ordered four dinners to absorb some of the Purple Rain…

Please Don’t Walk Through the Mass Grave

After our energetic day around Angkor Wat, we relaxed for the rest of our stay in Siem Reap. The following day we ate three cakes, drank lots of beer and did nothing more active than looking around the old market, where we purchased some trousers more suited to the Cambodian climate.

This was the first day that I started feeling truly shitty, with some kind of stomach ailment that would last the entire rest of the month. Some might speculate that it was caused by my tendency to eat thrice the foods of a normal man. Those people I would punch in the knee…then claim their breakfast as my own, by right of conquest!

In any case, the time had come to leave Siem Reap and, given our lack of time in the country, we turned away from the coast and headed inland to the capital city, Phnom Penh. To get there, we bought tickets on an overnight bus, which turned out to be in the form of bizarre flatbeds stacked on each other. Naturally, these were not of Western proportions and I spent most the night spilling out of mine.

Although we arrived in Phnom Penh early in the morning, we went to bed almost immediately and stayed there until mid-afternoon. At that point, we went out for lunch and spent the evening drinking beer and watching a movie about the Khmer Rouge takeover of Cambodia (still one of the most horrific pieces of human history).

Tomb Braider: The Tale of Angkor What?!

Having spent three days in Bangkok, eating cakes, drinking bad cocktails and getting excellent massages, it was clear the time had come to venture elsewhere – lest this year’s foray into South East Asia turn into nothing more than an implosion of hedonism.

It was, therefore, with the perverted excitement unique to long-haul bus journeys that we booked a 12-hour bus to Siem Reap in Cambodia. Having never been to Cambodia before, this was the obvious place for me to visit first; despite becoming a tourist haven in recent years, it is just a few kilometres away from the incomparable Angkor Wat – the largest religious monument in the world!

Although I’m not really into religious monuments on the whole, I do love ancient things – especially epic architecture. I also never turn down the opportunity to take some bleak and honourable photographs, in honour of the Guild!

This time, however, I am traveling with a different adventurer, Vikki Moyse, who I temporarily dubbed the Tomb Braider in a honour of her adventuring hairstyle of the day.

The Future of Sports Entertainment

Today, my friend Lucy shared this video with me. I enjoyed it and it got me thinking about where I would like to see the professional wrestling industry go in the future. It is easy to complain after watching two hours of old men shouting into microphones, interspersed with a handful of dull scraps…but what would I change?

In this video, the performers use Lucha Libre (Mexican masked wrestling) to portray the battle between Mexican immigrants and the U.S. border patrol. It’s a simple concept (they fight each other), but it is a powerful message that unites the crowd, especially the ‘non-legals’ who need a place to cut lose and let off some steam.

What I enjoyed most about it, however, was the focus on story-telling and entertainment, instead of brute athleticism and enormous pecs. (Don’t get me wrong, the pecs were still enormous!) This is exactly what I would like to see wrestling do in the near future; embrace its inherent entertainment value on more levels than pure spectacle.

Tough Guy Nettle Warrior 2013

On Sunday morning, with hangovers that would kill lesser men, the Guild of Adventures donned our running gear (I made mine by taking a knife to my trousers), wrapped socks around our shoes to keep them on…and strode out onto the Killing Fields of Tough Guy Nettle Warrior 2013…

Murderbeers nice and clean before Tough Guy Nettle Warrior 2013…

…17km of barricades, lakes, fires, stinging nettles, electric shockers, fire, mud and cramp… In short, just about the greatest experience we have ever had.

To Fishguard…and Beyond!

This weekend, effectively gate-crashing a romantic getaway for my good friend Sam Steak Davis and his delightful girlfriend Rosie, the Guild descended upon Pembroke in Wales with the intention of going deep water soloing.

For the confused amoungst you;

Deep-water soloing (DWS) is a form of solo rock climbing, practiced on sea cliffs at high tide that relies solely upon the presence of water at the base of a climb to protect against injury from falling from the high and difficulty routes.

Luckily we are very sensible young men…

Email me for prints of this photograph. Now, onto the weekend…

Rocking Out LeeFest 2013!

“The long-haired singer randomly shoved a big cake into his own face and, to the amusement of the audience, he later slipped over it too. It was a hilarious and bizarre introduction to LeeFest and set the tone for the rest of the day.” – Angie Quinn, Reviewing LeeFest 2013 for Newsshopper

Yesterday, I had the totally kickass experience of playing at LeeFest – AIM Awards’ Best Independent Festival!

Now in its 7th year, LeeFest has grown from being a party in a garden in 2006 to hosting more than 2000 people and putting on acts including the Noisettes, Delphic and The Skints. Oh…and Gay Bum!  

Sim Bowa is DEFEATED!

Despite overwhelming support and a powerful start, Murorga Sim Bowa was bested a second time on Saturday night, much to his displeasure.

On what turned out to be the hottest day of 2013 so far, the two men collided in High Wycombe for a rematch for the EWA British Title, which Sim Bowa lost back in March.

Sim Bowa T-Shirts Selling Fast!

After an unprecedented explosion of interest and pre-sales, there are only SIX Murorga Sim Bowa T-shirts left; three Rust n’ Bones and three Pre-Dirtified! In fact, there is only ONE adult sized Pre-Dirtified T-shirt left and it is large sized. Sorry little guys.

Rust n’ Bones Murorga Sim Bowa T-Shirts

Pre-Dirtified Murorga Sim Bowa T-Shirts

Each T-shirt is hand-painted and then hand-crushed by Sim Bowa himself, so no two are ever the same! In fact, most have a special addition like BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS or GO STRONGER YELLOW STRIPES! What’s more, there are probably flecks of sweat and spittle in each T-shirt which, legend has it, can give you the POWERS OF SIM BOWA! Unfortunately, we’re not yet sure what those powers are – perhaps you can find out for us!

Gay Bum at LeeFest 2013!

Ladies and gentlefaces, Gay Bum will now officially be playing LeeFest 2013! I say ‘officially’ because we do tend to sneak into things like this and play anyway…

..we call it Blitz Gigging.

On a lineup that includes the Noisettes, Delphic, The Skints and London Grammar, we might look a little bit out of place…BECAUSE WE’RE FUCKING BADASS!!!!

The festival lasts all weekend, so if you are anywhere in you the UK, you should totally come on down to Kent. We are playing on the Sunday at around midday on the second stage. We don’t know who else is on at the time but, come on, they can hardly compete with the POWER OF THE BUM!

LeeFest is held on a farm outside Bromley and Croydon in Kent. It’s 15 minutes from everywhere worth being, but check out the website for further information: http://leefest.org.uk/

Full Address: Highams Hill Farm, Sheepbarn Lane, Warlingham, Surrey, CR6 9PQ

The Ultimate Workout Plan

Dear friends.

After more than TEN YEARS of searching, I have finally found the ultimate workout plan.

Having dedicated the last decade of my life to exercising, rocking and partying, it is frankly staggering to me that I couldn’t come up with this myself. It all seems so simple now! Behold:

Of course, it should come as no surprise that it took Andrew W.K to invent what is, unquestionably, the most effective workout in the world today. I mean, just look at the graph!

The only way this workout could be more effective would be if you immediately followed it with a period of yoga. An intense period of yoga. Perhaps even until you puke:

This approach to exercise has also shed some new light upon my own motivations within fitness.

I now realise that my commitment to exercise has only ever really been to ensure I can rock out even more…and my commitment to rocking has only ever really been to ensure I can party AS HARD AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

I have concluded, therefore, that my purpose in life is probably to party, which I can ensure I do as hard as possible by developing my ability to rock for sustained periods of time, via exercise.

I may be having a breakdown…

…but Andrew W.K. agrees!

@murorga YES, ED!!! You finally realized that partying is working out so you can party harder to workout more which is just more partying!!!

— ANDREW WK (@AndrewWK) July 12, 2013

Sim Bowa vs. Crazy J: THE REMATCHENING!

This Saturday, Murorga Sim Bowa will meet Crazy Johnny Jones in a rematch for the the EWA British Championship!

Sim Bowa lost the belt back in March, when he attempted a Doombutt from the top rope and landed on Crazy J’s knee… You can see some highlights from the match here:

Although Sim Bowa doesn’t understand his right to a rematch, he does want his shiny belt back… How else will he impress his peers and be allowed re-entry into the Asgard School of Super Heroics, from whence he came?

If you click on this here poster for the event, you can find information regarding tickets, travel information and so on.

Forearm Standing

I’ve always said I struggle with handstands because I simply don’t have the wrist flexibility. Sometimes, however, I wonder whether that is just an excuse for having poor balance and core strength.

After watching some DDP Yoga, I remembered a different move that places no pressure whatsoever on your wrists. It is called a forearm stand (or something similar) and I saw some people doing it in Australia.

I realised that if my poor handstands are simply due to having bad wrists, I should be able to do forearm stands without too much trouble…

…so I tried.

Not bad for a first attempt.

Ian Rogers: 60 Days of DDP Yoga

I’d just like to take a moment to share a video with you. This is my friend, Ian – a man who has taught me a fair bit about wrestling in the few times I have had the pleasure of being under his instruction. At our last show together, he patiently tried to teach me a headlock takeover, which I repeatedly failed to learn.

A couple of months ago Ian signed up for DDP Yoga; a combination of yoga and exercise techniques, designed to aid fat loss, increased flexibility and lean muscle growth. Apparently it improves you cardiovascular fitness as well, but I have no idea whether that is the case. [EDIT: Ian assures me his cardio fitness has been improving since he started the course and attributes this to DDP.]

What I do know is that, 60 days on, Ian has made some staggering and genuinely inspiring progress. In particular, the improvements to his flexibility in just two months are astonishing.

Of course, this cannot all be attributed to DDP Yoga; Ian himself has no doubt worked very hard and committed a lot of time to making these improvements. Even so, I have been intending to incorporate yoga into my training for a long time now (I even had my first Ashtanga class whilst in Australia) and, what with the irritating absence of ‘real’ yoga classes in my area, I’m considering signing up for DDP Yoga myself. There are some huge gaps in my fitness that I think it could improve…

Still, that’s not the point. The point is well done Ian – you rock, man!